Funny Quotes
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- The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remindyourself that there are children more awful than your own.
- Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next. —-Franklin P. Jones
- When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here? —-Billy Connoly
- My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. —-Socrates
- Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. —-Carl Gustav Jung
- If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
– Dave Allen - Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. —-Ray Romano
- People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an … —-Ellen DeGeneres
- Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. —-Drew Carey
- When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before. —-Mae West
- I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. —Oscar Wilde
- When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing. —-Unknown
- Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. —-Albert Einstein
- By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. —-Socrates
- A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. —–Bill Cosby
- A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. —- Josh Billings
- There is more to life than increasing its speed. —-M. K. Gandhi
- My parents used to take me to Lewis’ department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo. —-Billy Connolly
- Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! —-Homer Simpson
- It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. —-Jack Handey
- Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you’ll be right. —-Unknown
- Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. —Will Rogers
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